Return To the Church

MORRIS PLAINS  Marie Tracey of St. Virgil Parish here has dropped plenty of hints — some more subtle than others. While on vacation with her family, she placed a book, “Why We’re Catholic: Our Reasons for Faith, Hope and Love” by Trent Horn, on a coffee table for her grown son, Scott, to pick up and maybe read. In more direct approaches, Tracey has asked Scott, who no longer identifies himself as a Catholic, to attend Mass with her when she visits him and emails him probing questions about faith and life, such as “What do you believe?”

“It’s a hard road to encourage Scott to come back to the Catholic Church. I’m trying to plant seeds and start conversations with him, but I’m trying not to move too fast. I carefully plan every step, trying to say the right thing at the right time or I could lose everything that I’ve built,” said Tracey, about her conversations with her son, a university librarian in Indiana, who is married with children. “I pray to the Holy Spirit to give me the appropriate subtle remark that might get Scott to think [about the faith]. I will keep trying until my dying day,” she said.

Tracey echoes the experience of many Catholic parents, who have been walking on that dizzying tightrope: trying to evangelize to their fallen-away children, who might not be ready to hear the message, without damaging their relationships with them. Fortunately, she has been participating in a small support group at St. Virgil’s that has been reading and putting into practice the strategies outlined in the book, “Return: How to Draw Your Children Back to the Church” by Brandon Vogt, a Catholic apologist. At meetings on Thursdays at 11 a.m. in St. Virgil’s former school, members discuss the book, while examining their approaches in reaching out to their children — a faith-filled endeavor that often develops in fits and starts, said Philip Alcock, group leader.

“God said that we need to bring his truth to everyone. Shouldn’t our children be first on our list? Will God judge us for failing to try?” Alcock wrote in recent St. Virgil’s bulletins to promote the “Return” group, which he established last spring. Since then, he has been trying to engage his grown daughter and son in discussions about their beliefs and why they left the Church more than 20 years ago. “It [their return to the Church] may not happen in my lifetime, but I must try,” he said.

So far, Tracey has engaged Scott in discussions about religious belief, including one prompted by her question, “What is the strongest argument for God?” Also, he agreed to read the “Why We’re Catholic” book and help her with a research project for a St. Virgil’s ministry about why some in the millennial generation have been leaving the Church. During Christmas, Tracey sent Scott a photo of her and her husband, Gordon, working a parish fundraiser. Also, she prays that Scott’s supervisor, a practicing Catholic, has a positive influence on him.

In the “Return” book, Vogt sounds the alarm about the crisis: half of young people, who were raised Catholic, no longer identify that way today. Most leave the practice of the faith before they are 23. They leave to “find themselves,” settle into lifestyles contrary to Church teachings, enter evangelical denominations or declare themselves atheists. They say that they leave because they “find Mass boring or disagree with the Church’s sexual teachings” — or harbor misconceptions about Catholicism, Vogt writes.

“The ultimate reason that people leave the Church is because they are not rooted in a living encounter with Jesus in the Church,” Vogt writes in the book, which includes a forward by Auxiliary Bishop Robert Barron of Los Angeles, founder of Word on Fire ministries.

In evangelizing their children, parents need to live a life of prayer, fasting and sacrifice, while also equipping themselves to share their faith with others and answer the difficult questions about it. They should read the Bible, “The Catechism of the Catholic Church” and the writings of the Church and Catholic thinkers; watch faith-oriented DVDs; and visit websites, such as Catholic.com. Also, parents should be ready to answer important questions, such as, “Why did you become Catholic?” which requires their testimony — “the most powerful tool in your arsenal,” Vogt writes.

Then parents can start planting the seeds by expressing their no-strings-attached love for their children; asking for and granting forgiveness for any wrongs committed; taking an interest in their hobbies as a way to bond with them; and sharing with them Catholic books, CDs and DVDs and asking them to read, listen or watch them. In a spirit of “friendly curiosity,” parents can begin non-confrontational conversations with their children by listening to them — an exercise that might lead them to voice their objections about the Church. Parents should absorb those criticisms, before trying to clear up their children’s misconceptions about the Church, Vogt writes.

Vogt suggests that parents start conversations by not talking about religion at first, but instead asking about the children’s souls. Then they can ask riskier questions, such as “What role did faith play while growing up?” If it’s easier, they can converse by email rather than on the phone or in person, he writes.

“Our goal is to give your child all the gifts that Jesus offers through his Church and to save him from the harrowing slavery of sin and death,” writes Vogt, adding, “teens and young adults might stay in the faith if they have relationships with practicing people such as their parents.”

Since last year, Alcock has been reaching out to his two children — as well as to other family members — by mailing them packets of religious materials. So far, both kids have acknowledged receiving the parcels but have not commented on their contents. Alcock said that his daughter reacts negatively when he brings up Catholicism, while his son avoids any discussion.

“The ‘Return” group gives me lots of ideas, when I hear the thoughts of its members and what they are trying to bring their children back to the Church. We are working together,” Alcock said.

[Information: Philip Alcock (973) 538-6045 or [email protected].]